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Literature Text
Battle! Enter :
Mosquetron!
A short story that will easily waste 20 minutes of your
life,
by Matt Warren
It was late, and I was tired. It wasn't late in the sense that the feds from
blockbuster video are on your ass trying to make you pay for a crappy movie
like St. Elmo's Fire that you rented and lost in some bushes somewhere while
you were drunk out of your mind, nor was I tired like Will Smith's rapping
career. It was the other meanings of the words, the ones that in my context
are harder to use in any kind of witty joke.
It was easily past 3 in the morning, and I had been up for over 12 hours
beginning on the fateful Saturday prior to the clock striking 12:01 A.M. that
night, and what was I doing? I was parked in front of my Teevee, with the
image of Sonic The Hedgehog jumping from highway to highway burned into my
retinas, and an imprint of the gamecube controller pressed into my hands.
If you didn't know this already, let me tell you that when it gets late, I get
pretty messed up. I was already at the point where I could watch a giant
talking blue critter scurry across loop-del-loop highways without even
questioning what kind of fucked up Hummer those roads could have possibly been
designed for. I kept reaching into a bowl and eating what I thought were
peanuts. They were popcorn kernels. I didn't even notice until the next
morning.
So I'm off collecting rings and small mythical creature such as unicorns to
feed to my starving african babies that I keep in a garden that resembles
hell, when what do I see a-skittering across my wall? Well.... I wasn't
actually sure, it was moving kind of fast. I ignored it to a point, until it
slowed down and started buzzing around slowly beneath the lights in my
ceiling, and that's when I realized what it was. A bigass mosquito.
Now usually I have no problem with bugs. When I was little, I used to go out
by the curb and play with centipedes, you know, the really poisonous
worms with big pincers and tons of legs? Yeah, I had them crawling all over my
hands, and it didn't bother me even a little. But mosquitos... maybe it's just
the societal taboo weighing down on my judgement, or maybe it was the fact
that I had the 3 A.M. crazies, but I fucking snapped. I actually got up and
yelled, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU BLOOD MOOCHING BASTARD!"
Now I know what you're probably thinking. "Oh Matt, you're getting worked up
over nothing, the big ones don't even drink blood," but you have to look at
this like I was. There was a communist fascist bastard nazi mosquito terrorist
in my living room, trying to ressurect the dead using the power of my
lightbulb, or at least that's how I saw it at the time. To me, it would have
been unAmerican to not have been upset and taken off my pants.
So I grabbed the deadliest weapon I could find. Luckily for my neighbors, this
amounted to no more than a copy of Better Home And Gardens magazine. I grabbed
it, and waited, stalking my menace. After a few minutes, he foolishly landed
on the carpet beneath the light, perhaps tired from all of his lightbulb
pillaging. I took this as an opportunity to strike, and swiftly brought the
magazine down on him like a bouncer on a drunk and disorderly at the Playboy
Mansion. After dropping said hammer, I then raised said hammer to look upon my
shattered foe. His entire body smashed into the floor, I thought him dead, and
left him there so I could collect more rings for which to crush into powder
and inhale through a straw.
That was perhaps my first mistake. Well no, my first mistake was jumping the
wrong way and falling off of the bridge. God damn hedgehog. No more than
twenty minutes later, when I looked back at where the mosquito had lain,
supposedly dead, he was gone. And sure enough, when I looked up,
there he was again, buzzing around the light.
My mouth dropped open wide, and my eyes grew squinty and farther apart. As my
skin yellowed, I said with an accent I'm sure you can guess, "Aaaaaaaaaah....
you have-a gureat powaaaaah...."
My blood sucking nemesis turned to me, and said, "Yes, haha! I have fought
many brave warriors and all have fallen to my needlenose attack, and you will
be the next! Haha! Haha!"
Dropping my controller and grabbing my weapon again, I jumped out of the
recliner and screeched, "Let us kung fu fight, for honor of famiry!"
As I started to lunge, my oppressor cut me off. "No," he shouted, "It is I who
shall fight for the honor of my famiry, for you killed my father,
Mosukito-san! At the battle of sekigahara, he begged for his life, buzzing in
your ear, and you struck him down like an insect!"
I remembered his father, Mosukito-san. He was a warrior who fought dirty,
daring to strike his opponents in their sleep. Without another word, the
winged menace flung himself at me, his needlenose attack aimed right for my
neck. I dodged to the left, but before I could counter attack, he came at me
again, faster this time. I jumped up out of the way, doing one of those cool
matrix jump thingies, and then before he could turn to attack again, I
shouted, "BANZAAAAI! Secret move number three! APRIL EDITION!" and brought the
cold, hard, razor sharp paper of the magazine down upon him.
Now I'm not even making this shit up. I heard a little voice say, "Fatality!
Finish him!" Not even joking. If you think I am, come to my house and
challenge me to a kung fu fight at 3 in the morning and see what happens. You
will not be disappointed.
So, naturally, having played Mortal Kombat, I jumped up in the air, spinning
at least six times, and came down on top of the magazine, hard. There was a
bone crunching sound, which I'm pretty sure was him and not me, as my full
weight came down upon the magazine with my subdued enemy beneath it.
After a moment of savoring my victory, I removed the magazine from my nemesis'
corpse, wanting to look upon the carnage I had wreaked. Satisfied with my
handy work, I proceeded to finish my game of Sonic and go upstairs to take a
shower and go to bed. But as I looked up from turning off my game system, I
noticed something that sent shivers down my spine.
The corpse of my fallen enemy was gone... again.
Using my magical ability to take five minutes and turn it into several hours,
I searched for my enemy for hours. Finally content with the notion that he had
fled in fear of my awesome abilities, I went upstairs and ran a hot steam bath
thing, or whatever the asian custom I'm using as a parody on actual events
says to do.
Removing my glasses and the rest of my clothes, I began to step in the shower,
and lowered my guard. But just as I started to pee, I saw a dark and sinister
shadow on the wall. I reached for my glasses to better see what terrible evil
had stalked me into my private quarters.
It was my age old rival. And this time... no shittin'... he was wearing a
ninja suit and had Tom Cruise's face. Ninja mosquito Tom Cruise was peeping on
me in the shower.
"You are back!" I shouted out in alarm.
"Yes, he said darkly," he said darkly, narrating his own sentences. "And now,
he spoke softly at first, then raised his voice suddenly, I am back to finish
the job! He then laighed insidiously." After his bizarre statement, he then
laughed insidiously.
Reaching behind me and then up, I pulled a flyswatter out from the same
crevace from which I pulled this very story. Before I attacked, I spoke to
him, "You know... you aren't the only one who lost somebody in the war. Your
father, Mosukito-san, he took my lover, Lina, from me."
"My father killed your Lina, he asked?" he asked.
"No," I replied. "He bit her, and she said she didn't want to have sex with a
mosquito bite on her ass, because it made her feel icky and gross, so we
fought, and broke up. But I totally blame your father."
"Solemly, and with a new sorrow in his voice, he spoke, then you know what we
must do..." the mosquito said. "He screamed out, we must have hot gay sex that
your fiance will totally be into!"
I raised the flyswatter to defend myself, and cried out, "No way ninja
mosquito Tom Cruise! This is not that kind of story! Damnit, now you made me
go and break that fourth barrier thing in dialogue! Now I will have to destroy
you!"
In a flash, I dashed straight towards him, but before I could close the
distance, he dodged away and crashed out through the glass of my bathroom
window. I jumped out of the shower and lept in front of the window.
Staring back at me were two, cold, blood red eyes, looking at me through the
glass of a helicopter cockpit. That's right, outside my bathroom window was an
A-H64A/D Apache Helicopter being piloted by ninja mosquito Tom Cruise. You
can't make this shit up. Look in the paper if you don't believe me. No wait,
don't do that, but say you did and then believe me. Yeah.
Two jew-seeking missles fired straight at me, so using the skills I had
acquired from playing Sonic The Hedgehog, I jumped out the window, jumped
off of the missles, accelerated up into the air at a velocity that
would have allowed me to move faster than the helicopter blades so as not to
get ground into pieces of kosher meatballs, and then jumped on top of the
helicopter, causing it to explode. Yes. Shut up. That really happened at 4 in
the morning in Dublin, Ohio. Fuck you if you don't believe me.
I landed on the ground amidst the carnage of the helicopter wreck, completely
unscathed, and still naked. The body of my foe lay on the ground beside me,
face down. Somehow, being Tom Cruise and a ninja had allowed him to survive
the crash, even if only for a moment.
"Killing me won't bring her back, he said," he said.
I sighed, raising the flyswatter up over my head.
"Ain't that a shame," were the last words he heard before I took off his head
with the sleek blue steel of my weapons grade plutonium powered flyswatter.
Wanting to finish the job right this time, I got a tissue, and collected his
body in it, throwing it away in the trash can. After that, my window magically
repaired itself and I was finally able to take my shower. All was fine and
dandy... until I got out.
I walked up to the garbage can, and peered inside.
The tissue was gone.